How NOT to Deal with the Devil
Follow these simple practices to ensure that you will live in constant harassment from the devil. Those already following these procedures can attest to this.
Fight Him!
This is probably the best method of ensuring defeat. Put the devil on notice that you will fight him as hard as you can. He will be pleased to hear this from you rather than hearing that Jesus already defeated him for you and that you have authority over him in Jesus’ name. Act like you are in a great battle rather than believing that the fight is over and that Jesus won it for you. Fight the devil instead of fighting the good fight of faith (1 Timothy 6:12). Crank up the “militant praise” music and let the warfare begin!
“Come Against” Him
Simply repeat the prayer, “Devil, I come against you in the name of Jesus.” Or substitute any other spirit you want. “We come against you, you spirit of _____ (insert your favorite spirit here) in the name of Jesus.” The devil has no idea what “coming against” him is (and neither do you), but as long as you don’t actually issue any direct commands to him, he will be content to let you “come against” him as long as you want. Do not follow the examples of Jesus and the apostles, who simply made demons in people (not areas) leave because they were too old-fashioned to pray a “we come against you” prayer.
Pray at the Devil in Tongues
Use your prayer language to speak mysteries in the spirit to the devil. After rebuking him in English, unleash a quick barrage of "fear tongues" at him to make sure that he doesn’t get back at you for it. The devil enjoys it when you pray to him in any language, since the Bible nowhere tells you to pray to the devil.
Make Principalities Leave Your City!
Waste as much time as possible in prayer against demonic strongholds over your city, thinking that you are doing some great thing that will precipitate revival. Be sure to tell every principality to leave your municipality. Since you assume that they’ll go somewhere, maybe you can suggest a nearby city with fewer praying people, so that they won’t send them back over to your city. Since you have this wonderful revelation of being able to make wicked spirits leave geographical areas, next command the ruling spirit over your entire state or province to leave. Then command the ruling spirit over your country to leave. Then command the ruling spirit over your continent to leave. Then command the ruling spirit over your hemisphere to leave. Finally, command the biggest ruling spirit of all, Satan, to leave the planet entirely. See if he will give up his legal right to be here (courtesy of Adam) in response to your commands. Maybe his less knowledgeable cohorts will give up their legal rights to be here, too.
This will show that you know more than Jesus or His apostles, since none of them ever commanded a demon to leave an area. (They only cast spirits out of people because they didn’t have as much revelation as you have.) It will also give the spirits involved, at least the ones that really exist, a good laugh, which they could use because their final doom is getting closer every day.
Pray fervently and repeatedly for the darkness to leave, rather than bringing in the light (by sharing the gospel), which wipes out darkness automatically.
Be aware that if you don’t organize 24/7 prayer, the devil may sneak back into the area at 2 A.M. if no one has covered that non-enviable time slot at the local Talk Around the Clock Prayer Center. This would undo the rest of the day’s “we bind you Satan” prayers. At least that’s what one preacher tried to assure me. (Seriously.) This is a good way of focusing on our own works instead of Jesus’ finished work. A few times, I’ve visited a certain city where they’ve had 24/7 prayer and worship going on for many years, and I’ve been warned not to go into parts of that city after dark if I valued my life. (I’ve mused what might have changed on the streets there if 24/7 evangelism were going on instead, but that would only be my speculation.)
Pray Him Away from Your Church, Yourself and Others
Don’t just bind spirits over your city. Before every service, pray a “we bind you Satan” prayer to make sure that the devil does not attend your church services or even share the same room or area with you. Do this despite the fact that Satan spoke through Peter while he was right there with Jesus, who obviously didn’t know you could pray such a prayer to keep Satan out of your immediate vicinity. In fact, Jesus didn’t have the modern “revelation” that you can “bind” Satan from entering the room with a prayer, because Satan entered into Judas Iscariot in the same room where Jesus shared a Passover meal with His disciples (John 13:27)! Paul didn’t even have a revelation that you needed to bind the devil in that manner, seeing as he never exhorted any of the churches to do it. It would certainly be nice to “bind” the devil from tempting you at all. Too bad Jesus didn’t know that trick, as it could have prevented Satan from tempting Him! But since you do have this revelation, spend time binding the devil every day, the idea being that even though Jesus has already delivered you from the power of darkness (Colossians 1:13), you need these constant prayers to keep his minions from tormenting you. If you get good enough at binding, maybe you can bind Satan from working through whomever many Christians are sure is the Antichrist this year.
Pray Through the Demon Layer
Determine that the demons that stopped Daniel’s prayers under the Old Covenant won’t stop yours! Pray and pray until you feel like you have broken through all the above-mentioned principalities (the ones you haven’t banished to Jupiter yet). Wait for a feeling that tells you that God has finally heard your prayer. Avoid any Bible statements about God living in you or being seated with Christ in the heavenly places, as this might nullify your faith in the demons’ ability to stop your prayer from reaching God or His answer from reaching you.
Insult Him
Rail on the devil for being a low-down, no-good, rotten, stinking, cheating, hypocritical, filthy, perverted, lying rip-off artist. The more epithets you sling at him, the better he will like it. He will enjoy the fact that you have not read or acted on Jude 8-9 or 2 Peter 2:10-11. Besides, he doesn’t think there’s any such thing as bad attention as long as you’re not wielding the name of Jesus! He’d rather that you concentrate on him than on Jesus.
Ignore Jude, who didn’t have your new revelation about this, and act as “macho” as you can with the devil. He will appreciate the fact that the time you spend insulting him is not being used for any productive purpose.
Praise God at the Devil
Rather than using your praise to please and honor God, use it as a tool by “praising God at the devil.” Sing to Satan! You could start with some “militant praise” songs about following God’s command to Joshua to take the land. (Bring your AK-47 because God told Joshua to kill all the inhabitants while taking the land.) “Use your praise” to “open heaven” above you, so that your prayers don’t get stopped by the demon layer (see above). You do want to “minister under an open heaven,” don’t you? (Actually, Jesus opened heaven as far as you’re concerned, but you don’t want to consider that right now.) Whatever you do, make sure that you think more about the devil than you think about God. This is important, because if you focus on being in God’s presence, you might forget about the devil for a while. Instead, focus on being in the devil’s presence and forget about God for a while.
Better still, leave God completely out of it and sing one of those modern “worship” songs that addresses the devil directly instead of God. Raising your hands and closing your eyes when you do this makes it even nicer (for the devil). I was even required once to watch a then-popular video of a large crowd of people raising their hands and closing their eyes while singing to the devil. Since that’s practically “Satan worship” for all intents and purposes, Satan will receive the attention gladly if you follow suit.
Give Whiny Devilmonies in Church
Declare to your brothers and sisters in Christ how big and bad you think the devil is. This will inspire them to have faith in the devil equal to yours. “The devil is making me sick!” “The devil is keeping my money away!” “The devil really has me depressed.” Continually confess what you are allowing the devil to do to you so that others may allow him to do the same things.
Pretend He Isn’t There
Just stick your head in the sand and ignore him, hoping he’ll go away on his own, rather than watching out for him and actively resisting him as you are commanded to do in 1 Peter 5:8-9 and James 4:7.
Pray to God About the Devil
Rather than resisting the devil yourself so that he will flee from you (James 4:7), ask God to make the devil go away! (To play it safe, don’t tithe to your church, just to be sure that Malachi 3:10-11 can’t possibly apply to you.)
Become More Devil-Conscious Than God-Conscious
Be sure to pay more attention to “this present darkness” than you do to “this present Jesus,” “this present Holy Spirit,” “this present victory,” “this present anointing” or “these present angels.” Ignore John’s statement that you have already overcome opposing spirits (1 John 4:4). Instead of thinking on things that are “true, noble, just, pure, lovely, of good report, virtuous, praiseworthy” (Philippians 4:8), spend your time thinking about Satan and his demons, who are liars, ignoble, unjust, impure, ugly, of bad report, sinful and criticismworthy.
Blame the Devil for Everything
When you get a flat tire, rebuke that flat tire demon. Then be sure to buy new tires, since experience shows that new tires have a spiritual force field around them that repels flat tire demons. Be sure to blame the devil when you bang your finger with a hammer or get a smaller income tax return than you expected. Constantly acknowledge his presence in your life so that he will feel at home with you. Talk with him frequently; he enjoys conversing with Christians who allow him to do so.
See also: