How NOT to Testify About Your Healing

Want to be out of order and decrease the anointing in a service?  You can do it by testifying about your healing!  The trick is to use the techniques in this article.

Give a Preachimony

Use your big opportunity with a microphone in front of a crowd to “work in” the message that you think the Holy Spirit really wanted preached instead of the message that the minister actually preached.  Start out with a real testimony to establish your credibility.  Then digress slowly into your new revelation about the identity of the Antichrist or the future of Israel or whatever.  In fact, convince yourself that this is the big break you’ve been praying for in your kitchen with both of your friends.  Yes, someone will notice that you share with a great anointing, and he will ask you to speak somewhere at a major conference!  Things will surely snowball from there, and you’ll be nationally famous in a fraction of the time it took that minister to get known, with an even smaller fraction of the effort.  Your anointing that your last eight recent pastors never recognized will finally come to the forefront!  You’ve found the shortcut to the ministry; forget work and training and serving others and all that.  Just hope that it doesn’t occur to your potential hosts that if you won’t follow the instructions of one man of God, you won’t follow their instructions either.

Give a Blabbimony

Use at least three times as much time you’re supposed to.  If you use double, you’ll only be about average.  I used to use a digital stopwatch feature on a pocket device a lot because I’m interested in statistics.  I have timed testimonies over many years and noted their relationship to the time the person was told that he had.  I have found that the average testimony uses about twice the allotted time.  Very few testifiers actually stick to the time limit that you give them.  I’ve seen testimonies go as much as 44 minutes over their limit because the person running the meeting was too “nice” to cut the motor-mouth off.  (It was before I was supposed to be the speaker, too, and the “testimony” was almost all unbelief.  Ugh!)  Of course, there aren’t too many scientific folks like me who have been known to actually set a countdown stopwatch when they start talking to make sure that they don’t go over, and most people have a distorted view of time.  For example, as you go on and on with all your details, it will seem to you that you are using less time than you really are, and it will seem to everyone else that you are using substantially more time than you really are.

An effective blabbimony must be given rapid-fire with no breaks between run-on sentences.  Practice talking like an auctioneer.  That way, the preacher does not have a polite or convenient time to try to interject something like, “So what did Jesus do for you?” or “How do you know you’re healed?” or “Please get to the point.”

A good blabbimony starts with the phrase, “Before I say this, I just want to say that....”  This phrase is usually used when the gift of gab is manifestation.

This sample segment of a blabbimony should inspire you: “I first noticed a lump on my leg about five months ago.  I was on my way home from Aunt Freda’s and I was stopped at the end of Exit 13 on the interstate, the one just after Maplewood.  Aunt Freda had been talking about how she hurt her right leg getting out of her shelter after a tornado went through town.  That was the tornado that destroyed the local trailer park.  You know how tornadoes are, there’s just something about them that makes them aim for trailer parks.  Or maybe it’s because TV crews just aim for trailer parks so that they can get the most dramatic storm damage videos.  Well, when her cousin Billy Bob built the shelter, he didn’t pound the nails in too well, but Billy Bob never was one for details.  He forgot to tune his guitar before he sang his version of Freebird at a local talent show.  Anyway, Aunt Freda caught her leg on one of the nails.  I noticed coming off the exit that my own right leg was hurting a bit.  At first, I thought it was just sore from the three-and-a-half-hour ride from Aunt Freda’s, but I felt the spot where it hurt and there was a lump there.  It was about half, no wait, a third, no wait, maybe about two-fifths of the way from my ankle to my knee.  You know, I’m convinced that GOD had Billy Bob leave that exposed nail there so that Aunt Freda would hurt her leg and talk about it and I would notice that my own leg had a problem in the same spot.  Well, I called my doctor, Eubie Heald, at the Middleville Medical Center, the son of Brutus Heald, the All-American football player, whose autograph I got when I was in eighth grade just before the game that ended his career when he ran into the goal post – you know, that was before the days where they put the goal post at the back of the end zone – but he said that he couldn’t help me anymore because he had just signed up with a different insurance company from the one that I had, so I looked in the phone book under leg doctors, but I couldn’t find any listings for leg doctors, so I called Aunt Freda, because I figured she must have found a good leg doctor in her town and maybe all the good leg doctors know each other....”

In case you thought this example was outlandish, I actually heard one “testimony” in a public campmeeting that included a multi-minute detailed review of a Boston restaurant!  The dear person running the meeting was just too “polite” to interrupt the man and his gift of gab.

Your Blabbimony may also be referred to as a Babylonian Testimony because you babble on.

Give a Devilmony

Make sure that you use Satan’s name a lot in your testimony and describe how powerful you perceive him to be, rather than just saying what your physical condition was that Jesus healed.  Make Satan look like someone bigger than he really is (a fallen angel who is legally under our feet).  Gross everyone out with the lurid details of how horribly Satan afflicted you.  Be sure to credit Satan personally for that injury he gave you when you went skiing on the double-diamond expert trail on your first day out, or for the lung cancer he so foully put on your after you smoked five stogies every day for three decades, or for how he was personally responsible for the fact that you sliced your hand with a kitchen knife.  (Laugh if you want; I heard someone give that last one in a church service!)  It is important to name Satan more frequently than Jesus, as the rule of thumb is that the name you mention more belongs to the one you are really glorifying.

Give a Braggimony

Talk about your faith and how you received and impress us with what a great faith person you are, with no regard for the fact that without Jesus, there would be no basis for faith to begin with, to say nothing of the fact that your faith itself was the gift of God, not of works, lest YOU should boast.

Give a Phonymony

Say that every pain has left your body when really about 40% of it is still there.  Surely Jesus will get more glory if you say that He did more than He really did.  Or the preacher will hear what he wants to hear and feel better about himself.  And you will look better because you supposedly received a complete healing.  (Given that exaggeration is simply a form of lying, you might want to read Acts 5:1-11 before doing this.)

Get Spiritual

Rather than just stating the facts, interpret them for the crowd.  Instead of saying, “I felt power shoot into my arm and now it’s healed,” say, “I felt the Shekinah glory of the presence of God permeate my arm after the anointing was transferred into it by the law of contact and transmission.”

Other Cool Ideas

Here are some other neat ways that you can make your testimony more interesting for everyone.  If you get the microphone, try pointing it directly at the nearest monitor or speaker between sentences.  Or speak in a quiet, mousy little voice and hold the microphone a foot away from your mouth, pointing at the ceiling instead of at your mouth, which means that one of today’s directional microphones will barely pick you up.  If you must hold the microphone the way that a normal person would, give a normal testimony in a soft voice, but at the end scream, “HALLELUJAH!!!!” as loud as you possibly can, directly into the microphone.  (This will wake up the people who fell asleep during your testimony.)